Thursday, November 30, 2006

Coincidence? I

I had to take a taxi tonight, and I got chatting with the driver. I do that. (Talk a lot.) We're in Alberta, which is way in Western Canada. Turns out the driver is from out east, and so are we. That's far, far away. And then when we started narrowing down exactly where we're from, we found out it is the exact same place. I mean exact. We were born in the same hospital. The same hospital! I think that's freaking weird. I forgot to ask if he also came out of my mom's privates. He probably did.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

What the hell happened to Billy Idol?

I think I have to kill myself.

The scream after Caruso's witticisms is making me pee!

Talking is hard sometimes.

The other week a boy in Corina's gym class got crazy with a volleyball and accidently hit Corina in the face with it. Yesterday I was walking her to the school bus, and she pointed out a boy in a blue snowsuit. She wanted me to know he was the one who did it.
"Mommy! That's the boy who hit me in the balls with his face!"

I've been laughing for over 24 hours now.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Rembrandt: The artist as an old man in love.

This unmarred canvas, my wife,
moves through the wind
like candlelight, all flicker and flutter.
I’m amazed she touches the earth
when she walks – I secretly
believe her footsteps
are clever forgeries.
She saved me from my
lonely walk. I had been stumbling
for years, one more missed step
and I would have shattered into a thousand
worming pieces. She resurrected me.
My knees have grown supple
from my dreaming of her.

My husband will write something like that to me when we're old, I bet. He's going to love me a ton.

Monday, November 27, 2006

Don't call me a gimp.

The doctor said I can take off my cast! It feels really weird when I walk, but I'm so happy. My foot is officially healed and I can wear matching shoes again.

Saturday, November 25, 2006

I analyzed the use of pathos, logos, and ethos!

That's me. I look very intelligent because I learned what a rhetorical analysis essay is, and then I wrote one. I had no idea there was so much I didn't know. I was such a dumb-ass before. How long does it take to learn everything there is to know in the whole world? I want to do that.

Friday, November 24, 2006

Today I'm cross.

My doctor is supposed to have my X-rays today to tell me how my foot is doing, and if I'm allowed to take my cast off yet. I called his office just now. It's in a clinic with lots of other doctors. My doctor is off until week after next, and there's no one there who has access to my X-rays. What the hell is that? So really, I could be allowed to take off my cast right now, but instead I have to wear it for another week and a half at least until he gets around to letting me know the results. That's so dumb. I'm mad. Really really mad. Totally not fair.

Thursday, November 23, 2006

This is what I get for trying to help.

There's a woman I know who is not quite mentally stable. I've been trying to help her through some problems, but she's not doing very well. I think soon she'll have a psychotic episode and possibly murder me. I thought you'd all want to know. I can't say too much more, because maybe she'll find my blog and then murder me for sure. Scared!

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

I joined a club.

I ride the bus a lot. (I took 7 buses last Friday.) Apparently there's a secret club for disabled and injured people, and the bus is our meeting place. I don't think I've had a bus ride this month without someone telling me about their owies. My cast and cane make the people in my new club think I want to chat with them, even though I am clearly trying to read a textbook. One of today's club members fell down the stairs when he was drunk and broke his neck a few years ago. He had to wear one of those weird halo things they screw into their skull. He talked to me about that for twenty minutes, and then pulled off his hat to show me all the screw holes in his head. Pardon my garden. That was gross.

There's a guy I see around town now and then who has a fake leg. He always looks drunk and a little scary, and I've seen him pick up cigarette butts from the curb and smoke them. He's dapper. Anyway, he has never acknowledged my existence before. Today when I hobbled by him, he gave me a huge smile and said hi to me as though we're best friends. He's in my club too.

There was a young guy on the bus with a broken foot the other day. When I got on, I sat across from him in the gimp section. I asked him if he wanted to be in my club. He didn't say anything, but the old lady who was sitting near us thought I was damned funny. I thought so too.

Sunday, November 19, 2006


Max wonders why I'm not re-married yet, because he wants me to make a little brother for him. I wonder too. If one of you wants to marry me and put a baby in me, I'm good with that.

Sunday, November 12, 2006

I'd say I was justified...

Two teenagers were blocking my way in the aisle at Payless yesterday. They finally moved a tiny bit, so I had to angle between them. That's not easy on crutches. As I was making my way between them, one of them stepped forward and stomped right on my foot. The broken one with the huge cast on it. I made a good gasping noise that let her know it hurt, and then I stood there looking at her, waiting for my apology. She didn't say anything, and even though I wanted to set her on fire, I walked away. After I went a few steps, the girl started laughing. That's when I threatened to shove my crutch up her ass.
It was a good day, overall.

Friday, November 10, 2006

104% on my mid-term this week.

I'm the nerdiest nerd who ever nerded. And I'm totally getting scholarships for next year!

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

I went on a date with this guy.

He bought me stuff. I suppose he bought it with stolen money. That's sexy.

Thursday, November 02, 2006

I'm going to brag a lot right now.

Max's teacher called me tonight just to tell me that Max is smart and good. She said she is going to have him be her teaching assistant during math because he is gifted and talented, and she's also going to give him enrichment activities. Basically while she's teaching the kids the things he already knows, he'll be assisting them. Yay my kid! She then told me about the new kid who started school on Tuesday, and Max volunteered to show him around the school. He also invited the new boy to eat lunch with him and his friends and play with them at recess. Yay my kid again! He's such a nice boy.

Max was telling me about his grade one book buddy. He is cognitively impaired. That's the term for it, so don't call him dumb. Also, gifted and talented is the term for smart these days, if you didn't catch that. Max said, "We had to draw pictures of each other, so I drew him, and he drew a cat."

I love that story.

About my foot - my friend pushed me around the college in a wheelchair today because my spaghetti arms are too weak to use crutches for that long. I'm such a baby. And my massive air walker cast is incredibly sexy.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

I broke myself.

I have a broken foot. Apparently I broke it two weeks ago, but taking the kids trick or treating last night killed it. I knew I injured it the other week, but I'm too busy to have a bad foot so I tried to ignore it. Last night it swelled up and turned colours, so I went to the hospital today rather than school.

Anyway, I just told Corina that normally right now I'd be getting on the bus to come home from school, but since I didn't go to school I could be home earlier. I said, "Is having a broken foot a good reason to skip school?"

She responded, "It's better than hepatitis."

She's five, by the way.