Sunday, January 10, 2010

Lost Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich

I can't find where this was originally posted. I didn't write it, but I should have because I could have.

How to Make a Sandwich on the Island

1. Gather ingredients
2. Point gun at ingredients and shout “HOW DO I MAKE A SANDWICH OUT OF YOU?!?!?”
3. Breathe heavily through your nose as though you were about to hit ingredients
4. Give up and make the sandwich yourself, and eat it bitterly

1. Make separate sandwiches, one with peanut butter and one with jelly
2. Take a bite of the peanut butter sandwich, declaring it the best
3. Take a bite of the jelly sandwich, declaring it the best
4. Repeat steps 2 and 3 ad infinitum
5. Follow peanut butter or jelly sandwich into grave danger

1. Throw the jar of jelly at wall, sneering “I don’t need no sandwich”
2. Call the mascot on the jar of peanut butter lots of clever nicknames
3. Huff and puff and stomp around and grumble a lot
4. When no one’s looking, make perfect, even, symmetrical peanut butter and jelly sandwich and sit in a corner, enjoying every bite

1. Sit idly by, believing that the ingredients will find a way to make a sandwich out of themselves
2. Lose faith and make the sandwich anyway
3. Realize that you were the instrument by which the ingredients chose to make a sandwich after all
4. Run around the room and grab everyone’s knives, insisting that their sandwiches will do the same in time

1. Make sandwich
2. Eat sandwich
3. Repeat steps 1 and 2 ad infinitum

1. Procure 23 milligrams of uranium-20
2. Set hadron supercollider to eight megajoules
3. Program a sandwich-making macro using Cobol or Visual Basic
4. Act all tough-like

1. Eat sandwich
2. Call the sandwich “brother”
3. Place peanut butter slice over jelly slice
4. Spread jelly on the other slice
5. Spread peanut butter on one slice
6. Take two slices of bread, a jar of peanut butter and a jar of jelly

1. Steal someone else’s sandwich
2. Claim you coerced them into making the sandwich for you all along
3. Say you’ll tell them everything if they make you another sandwich
4. Stare at them all creepy-like

1. Lay out plans for one of the most intricate, fascinating, and delicious sandwiches of all time
2. Just as you start making it, get shot

1. Apply peanut butter
2. Disappear for eight months
3. Apply jelly
4. Disappear for eight months
5. Eat sandwich

1. Mmmmmmm, peanut butter

Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse
1. Make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich
2. Have someone take a bite, then tell them it’s a baloney sandwich
3. Make up a whole bunch of other shit, then say you had planned it all along
4. Buy a few yachts

What are we at now...23 days until Lost is back? Yay!


Amy said...

Haha, loved it, thanks! Can't wait for the new season.

Sam said...

this is great. wish you had a follow button. Love the sandwich read. If you have a minute, come see my blog at I'd be honored to have you visit and/or follow or both. Thanks a Million, Keri (a.k.a. Sam)

Kris said...

This made me so happy! I especially loved Desmonds.

brent said...

This is hilarious. Hilarious! Desmond's is my favorite.

Sara said... do you put a follow button on a blog?

Anonymous said...

It's your favorite lesbian blog stalker! Only I forgot to stalk you for a bit. I hope you didn't feel unstalkable or anything, because you're totally stalkable.

Anyway, my point is that this is funny, funny, funny. Thanks for posting it. I adore Lost and so this was perfect. Okay. I'll do another drive-by stalk in a few months when I put my stalker hat back on.

Sara said...

I love having my own lesbian. :)

Anonymous said...

Okay. I only took my stalker cap off for a second. I agree with Kris, whoever Kris is. Desmond's made me spit tea out of my left nostril. Don't worry, Kris. I won't stalk you too. It's a lot of work to stalk. Even for a lazy once-a-few-months stalker. I can only handle one stalkee at a time.

bequi said...

Why do you even have a blog if you're never going to write on it? *pout*

Sara said...


Anonymous said...

I am now stalking more than you are posting.

Sara said...

Sorry, stalker. Love you!